Identifying Toxic Church Cultures (Part Three)

In the book “A Church called Tov” by Scot McKnight, he gives eight false narratives that toxic churches often tell to protect themselves. In Part one we looked at the first four false narratives. In part two we looks at three more false narratives and in this post we will look at the last of the false narratives as well as make some concluding remarks on how to detox from these worldly ways.

The majority of this content comes from the third chapter of McKnight’s book, “A church called Tov”. All quotes are in italics and quotes other than McKnight are cited below. I have ordered McKnight material into sections: First a description of the false narrative and Second some examples for clarity.

8. ISSUE A FAKE APOLOGY

Description

 fake apology, [are] not an apology at all. Fake apologies are not issued out of confession or repentance like a true apology. Instead, they condemn the victim, appease the audience, attach excuses, and try to justify inappropriate behavior.

Types of Fake Apologies

Wade Mullen in a post titled “What I’ve Observed When Institutions Try to Apologize and How They Can Do Better.” He describes five types of apologies that are not up to snuff. They don’t make the cut. 9 out of 10 doctors (of theology) would not recommend them. they are the wrong way to do the right thing.

1. The Condemning apology


“the apology that condemns” the other person. “The classic example of this is the apology that says, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’” [1] There is no admission of wrongdoing, only a manipulative suggestion that the other person is either too sensitive or has misinterpreted the situation.

1. The obligatory apology or insincere apology


The next “apology” is one that appeases. “It is not an attempt to do all that is necessary to right wrongs, but an attempt to offer only what is needed to quell [an] outcry. ” [2]

2. The “But And” apology


The “apology” that comes with excuses attached. Mullen calls this an “apoloscuse.” It can take many forms, but they all seek to shift the blame or one’s perception of the evildoer.

3. The Self-promotion apology


“apologies” that are couched in terms of self-promotion. “Many public statements of apology . . . become pitches for why [the organization is] still worthy of continued support and engagement from [its] followers.”” [3]
* Mullen adds that organizations should never announce that they are “on the same side as the victims.” That decision, he says, is only for the victims to make.

4. The apology with a hook 


non-apologies that attempt to garner sympathy for the institution. This is the “we’re hurting too” type of statement that tends to “displace the pain of the wounded with the pain of the wounder.” [4] ”

Conclusion: Real apologies, a painful promise and the upside to Genocide

As a people with forgiveness as a core tenet of the faith we should be experts in forgiveness. Something like world class forgivers, a people who hold the gold standard in apologizing. Yet when i look around all I find is elite level apologists of our sin. People able to give an reasoned account why that sin is not really sin. The church need to relearn how to apologies.

Components of a real apology include 
five elements

1. 1. surrender the need to be right and the desire to defend yourself 

   2. confession of our sin without qualifiers or explanations

   3. ownership of our sin and it’s effects on others 

   4. recognition of the full consequences of sin 

   5. empathy over the hurt you have caused.

In Luke’s gospel, Jesus gave a painful promise.  Jesus promised, “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.” (Luke 8:17).  So when this promise is fulfilled on this side of the judgment day, it is always mercy. A severe mercy that offers a church or individual the opportunity start over the right way. The five aspects to starting over are 1.) Repent Well 2.) Authentically Apologies 3.) Trust the Gospel 4.) Learn to do right the next time 5.) to live more transparently all the time. These five aspects ought to be lived out. We are to walk them out and as we do we experience something of a detox for the worlds ways. Sadly this way is narrow and few find it.

The havoc that these false narratives have inflicted on a church making it impossible in many quarters of the church to know objectively who is telling the truth. Such a sad reality makes me long for the days when the Holy Spirit killed people who lied to the church. These days if the Holy Spirit returned to that practice we would likely have “help wanted” signs on many churches in America. An upside, fear and awe would fill the church at least until our Starbucks order was completed.

 

 

If you like this content then you may enjoy our video featuring Dr. McKnight on this subject. [Click here]. Also if you like this blog you will love the McKnight’s book amazon link below:

A Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture That Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing by Scot McKnight.

 

Footnotes
[1] Wade Mullen, “What I’ve Observed When Institutions Try to Apologize and How They Can Do Better,” personal blog, Oct 4, 2022, https://wademullen.xyz/2019/07/19/institutional-apologies.


[2] Mullen, “What I’ve Observed.”


[3] Mullen, “What I’ve Observed.”


[4] Mullen, “What I’ve Observed.”

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